Tales from the ParoD&Dmension: A Parody-Comedy Spin-Completely-Off

Scene 1: Roll Call

In a world-

Voice #1: Who said that?!

Hm-hm... In a world-

Voice #1: Are you a g-g-g-g-lich?!

Voice #2: That doesn't... I cannot even-

May I PLEASE finish my introduction already?

Voice #3: Yeah, sure... go ahead, buddy!

Uh... my gender is inconsequential, but-

Voice #2: And yet you assume a deep, heavily masculine inflection?

Voice #1: Wait... he has a disease? He IS a guh-lich!

No, I am not a lich...

Voice #3: Then what ARE you?

I am... the Dungeon Master, and my epithet is "Author of Realms"...

Voice #1: But guh-liches are masters of dungeons...?

Voice #4: As are dragons, my good pal!

Voice #1: Dungeons? In DRAGONS? HA!

Voice #2: Other way around, simpleton...

Voice #1: HEY! My name is RANGER, not SIMPSON!

We hear the slap of a facepalm.

Voice #2: Idiot...

Ranger's voice: RANGER! RAIN... JERRRRRH... uh... I think...

Well then, you've spoiled YOUR name, so let's hear the rest of your names, and we can proceed...

Voice #2: You may call me Wizard. I am an elven-

Wonderful to meet you, Wizard...

Voice #4: Wait... didn't you WRITE her, th-

Next?

Voice #3: I'm Rogue.

Wizard's voice: ...that's it? That is your int-

Next?

Voice #4: Bard's the name, D&D is my game! Hohohoh... Thank you, thank you, you're too ki-

Next?

Voice #5: You may refer to me as "Monk". It is a pleasure, my friends.

Next?

Voice #6: My name is Druid. Delighted to meet each of you.

Ranger's voice: Wait... a druid AND a monk?!

Wizard's voice: One heals our wounds and protects nature, the other uses martial arts techniques in self-defence.

Ranger's voice: Oh, cool... which is which?

We hear another facepalm.

Rogue's voice: Aight, let's get this show on the-

Next?

Rogue's voice Next? There's no-one else here...

Ranger's voice: She's right...

Wizard's voice: Did you use your superior tracking skills to deduce this conclusion?

Ranger's voice: No, I... hey, are you saying I'm a dumb?!

Wizard's voice: I believe I used none of those words and/or apostrophic contractions.

Ranger's voice: Well, alright then. Hey, you're really nice!

Rogue's voice: HAHAHAHAHA! Are you kidding?!

Ranger's voice: Do I LOOK like a nanny-goat to you?!

Bard's voice: HA! I get it! Most amusing, my good pal!

Alright, let's just get started... the six of you have gathered in a tavern after reading a job listing on a bulletin board...

Bard's voice: What?! Oh, that is SUCH a bog-standard-

***
The party suddenly pops into a dreary swamp.

Bard: -cliché!

Alright then... instead of the Potts' Luck Tavern, you all meet standing knee-deep in the Stun'drrrd Boglands.

Wizard: Fantastic effort, Bard...

Rogue: Way to go, dumdum!

Bard: You don't honestly think that I caused this F-

To be Continued...

Scene 2: Stun'drrrd Boglands: Morning

Bard: -ABULOUS twist on a tried-and-tired campaign opener, do you? I mean... I honestly would've opened with the classic "five people meet in a tavern" approach... but THIS... it's sheer genius!

Ranger: But there are SIX of us...

Wizard: Well, looks like SOMEONE'S a genius after all.

Ranger: Aw, thanks, Blizzard!

Wizard facepalms.

Wizard: I verbalised my hypothesis in advance of making a rational decision...

Rogue: Cheer up, babe!

Wizard: Did... you refer to me as-

Rogue: So we're standing waist-deep in a rotten bog-

Ranger: KNEE-deep, Rouge!

Rogue: Hey, speak for yourself, medium-sized humanoid!

Ranger: MEDIUM?! I didn't know I was a sidekick...

Wizard: The fact that you know ANYTHING at all is truly what amazes me most about you, Ranger...

Ranger: Aw, shucks, heheheh...

Druid: Cheer up, everyone! At least we're together, and this place isn't SO bad. Look at these rich, purple orchids and lilies on the waters' surface.

Ranger: Uh... aren't you s'posed to wait for Arthur to narrate that bit?

Actually, idle speech is a free action, and you are welcome to provide your own perspectives on the scenery...

Ranger: Oh, cool! I'm starving... I "see" an ENORMOUS burger in my hands and eat it!

Ranger stares at his hands.

Monk: I believe it does not work that way.

Ranger: Aw, but Druid got half-orcs and lollies!

Wizard: Yes, but she didn't intend to EAT said "orc kids"...

Ranger: Oh, right...

Wizard: Now, would you be so kind as to allow me the courtesy of how to solve this conundrum...?

Rogue: Druid's right, Wiz. This ain't so bad... my cousin lives in a place like this... 'course it's greener, and the water's pure, but same gist!

Ranger: Yeah! I mean... it's not like an even BIGGER problem's gonna suddenly drop from the-

A sudden flash overhead, followed by a loud-

Voice #7: ...aaaaaAAAAAHHHHH!

The source of the scream splashes into the slimy, slick swamp water...

Bard: Oh, snap!

Wizard: You have GOT to be F-

To be Continued...

Scene 3: Stun'drrrd Boglands: Afternoon

Wizard: -ATEBENDING right now, Ranger... that is a gift that only my people possess...

Ranger: Your... people?

Wizard: Yes, Ranger. My people, the Sssuullllldrnnnnnehylllllrrrrnnn... or as you humans call them, "elves".

Ranger: Oh... then... am I a health elf?

Rogue: You mean "half-elf"?

Ranger: Do I...?

Wizard facepalms.

Wizard: Perhaps it was merely a coincidence...

Druid: Should someone not aid the one who has fallen from beyond the upper veils of Oma?

Rogue: Nah! It's been two minutes, and he hasn't surfaced. No doubt he's-

The being who fell from above suddenly splashes to their feet, drenching everyone but Druid and Bard in murky bog-water...

Ranger: -A GUH-LICH!

Wizard: Ugh... disgusting!

Ranger: Yes, a disgusting, smelly, UH-GUH-LY guh-lich!

Wizard: I was not referring to this CLEARLY STILL LIVING human male...

Ranger: Oh... the splash... so you were referring to-

Wizard: -you, Ranger. Yes, I was referring to you.

Ranger: Hey, don't be mean to Monk!

Rogue: What are you babbling about, Ranger Danger?

Ranger: Wizard just insulted our friend Yu!

Ranger wades to Monk, kicking up multiple pockets of swamp gas trapped in the muddy swamp-bed.

Bard: Oh, my sinuses are ablaze with the STENCH of-

Ranger: Stop being mean, everyone!

Ranger places his hands on Monk's shoulders.

Ranger: Don't worry, Yu, 'cos you got a friend in me.

Monk: Your kindness, whilst unnecessary, is greatly appreciated, and will not soon be forgotten.

Monk bows. Ranger attempts a similar bow, though clumsily knocks his forehead on a gnarled tree branch.

Ranger: OW! My Ajna...

Ranger rubs between his eyebrows.

Voice #7: Uh... I have a question...

Everyone looks at the stranger, who is dressed in clothing from our world, and isn't drenched in bog-water for some reason.

Druid: Of course, gentle stranger. What is your question?

The stranger clears their throat.

Voice #7: Could someone PLEASE tell me what the F-

To be Continued...

Scene 4: Stun'drrrd Boglands: Evening

Voice #7: -ART-LIKE STENCH in the air happens to be?! Phew!

Bard: Oh, Ranger kicked up a few pockets of swamp gas whilst consoling Monk.

Voice #7: Okay, that's fair...

Wizard: I was certain you were about to enquire as to your dramatic entrance into the surrounding locale.

Voice #7: Well, I-

The stranger looks around.

Voice #7: Hey, now that you mention it...

Druid: What is your name, gentle soul from above the clouds?

Voice #7: Oh, uh... Lock. I'm Lock. And it's called Seattle.

Ranger: What is?

Lock: The place I'm from is... Seattle.

Ranger: You're from the MOON?! Hey, so is Druid!

Wizard: What on Earth are you-

Ranger: Not "Earth", Wizard... "Moon"! MOOOOOOO-NNNNNNNUH... uh... I think...?

Rogue: As you can see, he isn't exactly "schooled".

Druid: Why do you assume I am a lunar being, Ranger?

Ranger: Because you said you're from a circus on the Moon!

Wizard facepalms.

Wizard: "Circle of the Moon", imbecile...

Ranger: Whatever. Hey, is it anywhere near Satellaview?

Lock: Uh... this is a pretty weird LARP, you guys...

Rogue: Eh, you get used to 'em, Locky.

Bard: Indeed! And I must say your warlockery is most impressive to be able to flash yourself here at 1st-level!

Lock: Uh... thanks? I assume we're in the Everglades or something...?

Monk: In fact it is the Stun'drrrd Boglands.

Lock: Oh, a Magic-themed LARP, eh? Does that make me a newly-sparked Planeswalker or something?

Rogue: The *fart* is a "Planeswalker"...?

Lock: And what's the setting? Dominaria? Innistrad? Ooh, Ulgrotha?!

Wizard: Realmslandia, actually...

Lock: "Realmslandia"...? So homebrew, then...

Rogue: Oh, you bet! I have my own multipurpose distillery in my-

You suddenly sense an ominous presence nearby...

Lock: Oh, is the Dungeon Master hiding in the scenery or something?

Ranger: No, he's just a disembodied voice floating around us... and possibly THROUGH us...

Rogue: Well... THAT'S disturbing...

Bard: Not as disturbing as THIS, my good pal!

Rogue: Huh? What do you me-

You look up at an intimidating figure... a knight donned in the sturdiest ebony armour, forged from pure adamant... riding a nightmare of the deepest ebony coat, and deep violet mist billowing along its neck, hooves and rump...

Ranger snickers.

Ranger: "Rump"...

Knight: SILENCE!

Bard trembles.

Knight: I know both who and what you are, Eternal Seekers of the Order of the Treasured MacGuffin!

Lock: Uh... the what?

The Knight looks in Lock's direction.

Knight: And I am here to stop you

Lock nervously points to their chest.

Lock: Uh... m... m-

Ranger: Him?

The Knight looks at Ranger.

Knight: ALL OF YOU! Tremble before the Might of-

Rogue: Oh... for F-

To be Continued...

Scene 5: Stun'drrrd Boglands: Night

Rogue: *BLEEP*'s sake! WHY does this happen EVERY *BLEEP* TIME?!

Bard: Uh... tradition?

Wizard: Well, you would know, since you're the bard, Bard.

Ranger: Wait... Bard is a SHEEP?!

Bard: Why do you assume that, my good pal?

Ranger: Because Wizard just spoke to you in Sheepish! "Baa baa" is a common phrase in that language, but you already know that, baa baa...

Bard: I'm afraid you're mistaken, for in fact I am-

Rogue: -a bird!

Ranger: Actually, it's pronounced "BAHHHHH-RRRRRUHRRRRR-DUHHHHH... uh... what was the question again?

Bard: Actually, she's right. I am a bird... and now I see the irony of being a bird bard named Bard Byrd...

Lock: Well, your prosthetics are impressive! They must've taken HOURS to apply!

Bard: Um... thank you, my good-

Knight: Uh... HELLO? Are you not forgetting something here?!

Ranger: Just a minute, random NPC...

Knight: Random? NPC?! Are... you cannot be serious!

Rogue: You're not wrong...

Ranger: Yeah! I'm never not serious!

Wizard facepalms.

Wizard: How many times have I told you to watch your grammar...?

Ranger: For the last time, Wizard, my Grandma is NOT a dire wolf!

Wizard: I wasn't calling HER a dire WOLF, I was calling YOU a dire BORE...

Ranger: Hey, I LOVE roasted boar! My favourite bit is the apple... mmm...

Knight: Huh. I was certain you would be more of a challenge... nonetheless, I have a role to perform, so let's get it done, and you can be on your way.

Bard: Do you not mean, "I can be on MY way"...?

Knight: It... that is what I stated. "You can be on your way"... how is that not difficult to grasp?

Bard: Oh... I thought you meant... n-never mind. I'll be off then, my good pal. Toodlepip!

Bard leaves the area.

Rogue: Hey, how come HE gets to leave, but we DON'T?!

Knight: Oh, you'll all have your turn.

Lock: Oh, crap! Has everyone rolled initiative already?! I-I don't... I don't have my dice... oh, I must've dropped-

Knight: Between your side and that of my master, the plot requires an equal balance of "straight ones" and "dysfunctional misfits".

Ranger: Hey, did you just call some of us "dense trustfall nitwits"?!

Wizard: No doubt which of the two you happen to be...

Knight: According to my Intel, your group has too many human straight ones.

Ranger: Oh no... you leave Druid out of this!

Druid: But... I am not a human, Ranger.

Ranger: Of course not! You're a human druid, Druid!

Rogue: CAT druid, Ranger.

Ranger: Wait, so... you're a multiclass druid-ranger, Druid?

Wizard: What on Moon are you-

Ranger: Who's also a cat?

Rogue: Well... at least you got SOME of it right...

Knight: Alright, this is getting agonisingly tedious. I'll just pick one of you at random.

The Knight points their sword back-and-forth from Monk to Lock.

Knight: Eeny-meeny-miney-YOU.

A bolt of dark energy fires from the sword at Lock.

Lock: Oh, cool effect!

Rogue: Why isn't he trying to avoid-

Just as the bolt reaches Lock, it suddenly flings left and punches into Monk's chest.

Monk: Oof!

Rogue: Never mind... uh... I-I mean... WHAT THE *BLEEP*?!

Monk is surrounded by a bubble of dark energy.

Lock: Whoa, your DM must have a HUGE campaign budget!

Wizard: Are you absolutely certain that Lock is a straight one?

Knight: Yes. In fact, Lock is now the only human straight one in your party.

Druid: But... what have you done to Monk?

The bubble suddenly pops, revealing a brown monkey wearing Monk's gi.

Wizard: I believe your question is answered, Druid.

Ranger: Hey, yeah! Monk's been teleported away and replaced by a monk-

The monkey screeches and leaps at Ranger's head, pulling at his hair and ears.

Monkey: Ooo-ooo-HAH-HAH-HAH! (etc.)

Ranger: AAH! AAH! MONKEYONMYHEAD! MONKEYONMYHEAD!

Rogue: Aw, looks like you have a new friend, Ranger...

Ranger: Hey, yeah... I have an actual animal companion! After all these years, I'm FINALLY a real-

The monkey knocks Ranger's forehead with a coconut.

Ranger: Ow, my Ajna!

Knight: Well, my work here is done...

The Knight vanishes in a swirl of violet mist, a chilling horse whinny echoing in the air, followed by a glittery sparkle and harp chord.

Wizard: So... now what?

Bard's voice: Hey, come on, everyone! There's a Kakadurudurudu Fried Cockatrice over here, with 24-hour dine-in and unlimited refills!

Rogue: Ooh, sweet!

Wizard: You had me at, "unlimited refills", my pal...

Everyone leaves the water... except Lock, who stands there, eyes widened and stunned.

Lock: ...what the F-

NEXT TIME: The Soiled MacGuffin

Scene 1: The Lame Mending Tavern: Evening

You find yourse-

Ranger: Who said that?!

Wizard sighs.

Wizard: PLEASE don't make that your running gag, Ranger...

Ranger: Sorry...

Rogue: Go ahead, Author.

Very well... *clears throat*

Ranger: I recommend honey and lemon for that tickle.

Wizard: Do not interrupt.

It's quite alright, Wizard...

Wizard: Oh?

Honestly, I appreciate the concern...

Ranger: Aw, shucks... thanks, Arthur.

No, thank YOU, Ranger...

Ranger: No, thank YOU.

No, thank YOU...

Ranger: No, thank YOU.

No, thank YOU...

Ranger: No, thank Y-

Monk: Ooo-OOO-AAA-AAA-AAA-

Monk suddenly leaps onto Ranger's head.

Ranger: AAH! AAH! Monkey on my head! Monkey on my head!

Ranger suddenly stands, trips over a stool and falls to the floor as Monk leaps onto the table.

Ranger: Oof!

Monk: Ooh...

A wooden shield suddenly dislodges from a wall and falls in Ranger's direction.

Ranger: OW! My Svadhishthana...

Rogue: Saved by the Bonobo.

Lock: Actually, it looks like he's been turned into a Japanese macaque.

Rogue: A Jabberwhatty?

Wizard: I believe you mean, a "Isleslandian" macaque.

Lock: Sure, if that's this world's equivalent.

Druid: Actually, Worldslandia is a very different continent than Isleslandia...

Bard: Indeed! Mixing up Worldslandia and Isleslandia is like mixing up Homeslandia and Urf!

Lock: Urf...?

Bard: Sorry, I meant to say, "Landslandia"...

Monk: Like fun you did! My own mother was originally Landslandian, you insensitive-

Bard: Look, it was a slip of the beak, alright?!

Ranger: Whoa...

Rogue: What is it, Ranger Talker?

Ranger: The monkey... can talk?! Uh... *thud*

Monk: Huh... he just fainted.

Wizard: Thank pleasantry for THAT... maybe we can have some peace and quiet for once.

Rogue: Okay, Author, you were saying?

Hm...? Oh, that's right... *SIP*... ah, that IS good... thank you, Ranger...

Everyone looks at each other in awkward silence.

Ranger...? HellOOOOOOO...?

Rogue: I... hate to be the one to say this, DM, so Bard's just gonna blurt it out.

Bard: He's unconscious at the minute, my good pal!

WHAT...?

Rogue: I knew he'd be p***ed...

No, no... it's fine, it's all good... we'll just wait until he regains consciousness...

Wizard: I KNEW trying to play this campaign online would be cumbersome...

Lock: Wait... "online"...?

Rogue: Aight, we'll wait. Whaddya all want to drink? I'm buying.

Monk: Ooh, I'll have... hm... no, that's not... hm... ooh! That! I'll have that!

Rogue: Have what...?

Monk: Ooh!

Rogue: Ooh?

Monk: Ooh... ooo-OOO-AAA-AAA-AAA-

Monk leaps at what appears to be a camera, which falls to the ground with a thud and reveals two random NPCs making out on the floor behind a nearby table.

Cameraperson's voice: AAH! AAH! Monkey on my head! Monkey on my head!

Wizard's voice: Sacre bleu...

To be Continued...

Scene 2: Apology for Mel

Ranger: Yeah... so... we finished filming the second part of this about a half hour ago, but... well... Wizard told me to tell you all that Monk used the film reel as butt floss BEFORE Arthur could edit it. So for now, please enjoy this hastily-edited redub of Session 0. Enjoy!

Scene 3: Re-Roll Call

In a world-

Ranger's voice: Who said that?!

Hm-hm... In a world-

Ranger's voice: Are you a g-g-g-g-lich?!

Wizard's voice: That doesn't... I cannot even-

May I PLEASE finish my introduction already?

Rogue's voice: Yeah, sure... go ahead, buddy!

Uh... my gender is inconsequential, but-

Wizard's voice: And yet you assume a deep, heavily masculine inflection?

Ranger's voice: Wait... he has a disease? He IS a guh-lich!

No, I am not a lich...

Rogue's voice: Then what ARE you?

I am... the Dungeon Master, and my epithet is "Author of Realms"...

Ranger's voice: But guh-liches are masters of dungeons...?

Bard's voice: As are dragons, my good pal!

Ranger's voice: Dungeons? In DRAGONS? HA!

Wizard's voice: Other way around, simpleton...

Ranger's voice: HEY! My name is RANGER, not SIMPSON!

We hear the slap of a facepalm.

Wizard's voice: Idiot...

Ranger's voice: RANGER! RAIN... JERRRRRH... uh... I think...

Well then, you've spoiled YOUR name, so let's hear the rest of your names, and we can proceed...

Wizard's voice: You may call me Wizard. I am an elven-

Wonderful to meet you, Wizard...

Bard's voice: Wait... didn't you WRITE her, th-

Next?

Rogue's voice: I'm Rogue.

Wizard's voice: ...that's it? That is your int-

Next?

Bard's voice: Bard's the name, D&D is my game! Hohohoh... Thank you, thank you, you're too ki-

Next?

Monk's monkey voice: I'm Monk, and I'm a stupid simpleton who is about to be turned into a stupid monkey... hey, WAIT a mi-

Next?

Druid's voice: My name is Druid. Delighted to meet each of you.

Ranger's voice Wait... a druid AND a monk?!

Wizard's voice: One heals our wounds and protects nature, the other uses martial arts techniques in self-defence.

Ranger's voice: Oh, cool... which is which?

We hear another facepalm.

Rogue's voice: Aight, let's get this show on the-

Next?

Rogue's voice: Next? There's no-one else here...

Ranger's voice: She's right...

Wizard's voice: Did you use your superior tracking skills to deduce this conclusion?

Ranger's voice: No, I... hey, are you saying I'm a dumb?!

Wizard's voice: I believe I used none of those words and/or apostrophic contractions.

Ranger's voice: Well, alright then. Hey, you're really nice!

Rogue's voice: HAHAHAHAHA! Are you kidding?!

Ranger's voice: Do I LOOK like a nanny-goat to you?!

Bard's voice: HA! I get it! Most amusing, my good pal!

Alright, let's just get started... the six of you have gathered in a tavern after reading a job listing on a bulletin board...

Bard's voice: What?! Oh, that is SUCH a bog-standard-

***
The party suddenly pops into a dreary swamp.

Bard: -cliché!

Alright then... instead of the Potts' Luck Tavern, you all meet standing knee-deep in the Stun'drrrd Boglands.

Wizard: Fantastic effort, Bard...

Rogue: Way to go, dumdum!

Bard: You don't honestly think that I caused this FABULOUS twist on a tried-and-tired campaign opener, do you? I mean... I honestly would've opened with the classic "five people meet in a tavern" approach... but THIS... it's sheer genius!

Ranger: But there are SIX of us...

Wizard: Well, looks like SOMEONE'S a genius after all.

Ranger: Aw, thanks, Blizzard!

Wizard facepalms.

Wizard: I verbalised my hypothesis in advance of making a rational decision...

Rogue: Cheer up, babe!

Wizard: Did... you refer to me as-

Rogue: So we're standing waist-deep in a rotten bog-

Ranger: KNEE-deep, Rouge!

Rogue: Hey, speak for yourself, medium-sized humanoid!

Ranger: MEDIUM?! I didn't know I was a sidekick...

Wizard: The fact that you know ANYTHING at all is truly what amazes me most about you, Ranger...

Ranger: Aw, shucks, heheheh...

Druid: Cheer up, everyone! At least we're together, and this place isn't SO bad. Look at these rich, purple orchids and lilies on the waters' surface.

Ranger: Uh... aren't you s'posed to wait for Arthur to narrate that bit?

Actually, idle speech is a free action, and you are welcome to provide your own perspectives on the scenery...

Ranger: Oh, cool! I'm starving... I "see" an ENORMOUS burger in my hands and eat it!

Ranger stares at his hands.

Monk: OOH, OOH, can I have some of your invisible burger?!

Ranger: Aw, but Druid got half-orcs and lollies!

Wizard: Yes, but she didn't intend to EAT said "orc kids"...

Ranger: Oh, right...

Wizard: Now, would you be so kind as to allow me the courtesy of how to solve this conundrum...?

Rogue: Druid's right, Wiz. This ain't so bad... my cousin lives in a place like this... 'course it's greener, and the water's pure, but same gist!

Ranger: Yeah! I mean... it's not like an even BIGGER problem's gonna suddenly drop from the-

A sudden flash overhead, followed by a loud-

Voice #7: ...aaaaaAAAAAHHHHH!

The source of the scream splashes into the slimy, slick swamp water...

Bard: Oh, snap!

Wizard: You have GOT to be FATEBENDING right now, Ranger... that is a gift that only my people possess...

Ranger: Your... people?

Wizard: Yes, Ranger. My people, the Sssuullllldrnnnnnehylllllrrrrnnn... or as you humans call them, "elves".

Ranger: Oh... then... am I a health elf?

Rogue: You mean "half-elf"?

Ranger: Do I...?

Wizard facepalms.

Wizard: Perhaps it was merely a coincidence...

Druid: Should someone not aid the one who has fallen from beyond the upper veils of Oma?

Rogue: Nah! It's been two minutes, and he hasn't surfaced. No doubt he's-

The being who fell from above suddenly splashes to their feet, drenching everyone but Druid and Bard in murky bog-water...

Ranger: -A GUH-LICH!

Wizard: Ugh... disgusting!

Ranger: Yes, a disgusting, smelly, UH-GUH-LY guh-lich!

Wizard: I was not referring to this CLEARLY STILL LIVING human male...

Ranger: Oh... the splash... so you were referring to-

Wizard: -you, Ranger. Yes, I was referring to you.

Ranger: Hey, don't be mean to Monk!

Rogue: What are you babbling about, Ranger Danger?

Ranger: Wizard just insulted our friend Yu!

Ranger wades to Monk, kicking up multiple pockets of swamp gas trapped in the muddy swamp-bed.

Bard: Oh, my sinuses are ablaze with the STENCH of-

Ranger: Stop being mean, everyone!

Ranger places his hands on Monk's shoulders.

Ranger: Don't worry, Yu, 'cos you got a friend in me.

Monk: Aw, that means so much to me that I'm gonna bash your third eye with a coconut... because WE are bestest buds!

Monk bows. Ranger attempts a similar bow, though clumsily knocks his forehead on a gnarled tree branch.

Ranger: OW! My Ajna...

Ranger rubs between his eyebrows.

Voice #7: Uh... I have a question...

Everyone looks at the stranger, who is dressed in clothing from our world, and isn't drenched in bog-water for some reason.

Druid: Of course, gentle stranger. What is your question?

The stranger clears their throat.

Voice #7: Could someone PLEASE tell me what the FART-LIKE STENCH in the air happens to be?! Phew!

Bard: Oh, Ranger kicked up a few pockets of swamp gas whilst consoling Monk.

Voice #7: Okay, that's fair...

Wizard: I was certain you were about to enquire as to your dramatic entrance into the surrounding locale.

Voice #7: Well, I-

The stranger looks around.

Voice #7: Hey, now that you mention it...

Druid: What is your name, gentle soul from above the clouds?

Voice #7: Oh, uh... Lock. I'm Lock. And it's called Seattle.

Ranger: What is?

Lock: The place I'm from is... Seattle.

Ranger: You're from the MOON?! Hey, so is Druid!

Wizard: What on Earth are you-

Ranger: Not "Earth", Wizard... "Moon"! MOOOOOOO-NNNNNNNUH... uh... I think...?

Rogue: As you can see, he isn't exactly "schooled".

Druid: Why do you assume I am a lunar being, Ranger?

Ranger: Because you said you're from a circus on the Moon!

Wizard facepalms.

Wizard: "Circle of the Moon", imbecile...

Ranger: Whatever. Hey, is it anywhere near Satellaview?

Lock: Uh... this is a pretty weird LARP, you guys...

Rogue: Eh, you get used to 'em, Locky.

Bard: Indeed! And I must say your warlockery is most impressive to be able to flash yourself here at 1st-level!

Lock: Uh... thanks? I assume we're in the Everglades or something...?

Monk: No, just a stinky, sweaty, slimy, sticky, superfluous swamp.

Lock: Oh, a Magic-themed LARP, eh? Does that make me a newly-sparked Planeswalker or something?

Rogue: The *fart* is a "Planeswalker"...?

Lock: And what's the setting? Dominaria? Innistrad? Ooh, Ulgrotha?!

Wizard: Realmslandia, actually...

Lock: "Realmslandia"...? So homebrew, then...

Rogue: Oh, you bet! I have my own multipurpose distillery in my-

You suddenly sense an ominous presence nearby...

Lock: Oh, is the Dungeon Master hiding in the scenery or something?

Ranger: No, he's just a disembodied voice floating around us... and possibly THROUGH us...

Rogue: Well... THAT'S disturbing...

Bard: Not as disturbing as THIS, my good pal!

Rogue: Huh? What do you me-

You look up at an intimidating figure... a knight donned in the sturdiest ebony armour, forged from pure adamant... riding a nightmare of the deepest ebony coat, and deep violet mist billowing along its neck, hooves and rump...

Ranger snickers.

Ranger: "Rump"...

Knight: Blah, blah, blah, evil command...

Bard trembles.

Knight: Blah, blah, blah, story exposition...

Lock: Uh... the what?

The Knight looks in Lock's direction.

Knight: Blah, blah, blah, empty threat...

Lock nervously points to their chest.

Lock: Uh... m... m-

Ranger: Him?

The Knight looks at Ranger.

Knight: Blah, blah, blah, someone interrupt me pl-

Rogue: Oh... for FARTISAN's sake! WHY does this happen EVERY FIND ME IN THE ALPS-ING TIME?!

Bard: Uh... tradition?

Wizard: Well, you would know, since you're the bard, Bard.

Ranger: Wait... Bard is a SHEEP?!

Bard: Why do you assume that, my good pal?

Ranger: Because Wizard just spoke to you in Sheepish! "Baa baa" is a common phrase in that language, but you already know that, baa baa...

Bard: I'm afraid you're mistaken, for in fact I am-

Rogue: -a bird!

Ranger: Actually, it's pronounced "BAHHHHH-RRRRRUHRRRRR-DUHHHHH... uh... what was the question again?

Bard: Actually, she's right. I am a bird... and now I see the irony of being a bird bard named Bard Byrd...

Lock: Well, your prosthetics are impressive! They must've taken HOURS to apply!

Bard: Um... thank you, my good-

Knight: Blah, blah, blah, attention seeking...

Ranger: Just a minute, random NPC...

Knight: Blah, blah, blah, taking it personally...

Rogue: You're not wrong...

Ranger: Yeah! I'm never not serious!

Wizard facepalms.

Wizard: How many times have I told you to watch your grammar...?

Ranger: For the last time, Wizard, my Grandma is NOT a dire wolf!

Wizard: I wasn't calling HER a dire WOLF, I was calling YOU a dire BORE...

Ranger: Hey, I LOVE roasted boar! My favourite bit is the apple... mmm...

Knight: Blah, blah, blah, gloating...

Bard: Do you not mean, "I can be on MY way"...?

Knight: Blah, blah, blah, utter confusion...

Bard: Oh... I thought you meant... n-never mind. I'll be off then, my good pal. Toodlepip!

Bard leaves the area.

Rogue: Hey, how come HE gets to leave, but we DON'T?!

Knight: Blah, blah, blah, false generosity...

Lock: Oh, crap! Has everyone rolled initiative already?! I-I don't... I don't have my dice... oh, I must've dropped-

Knight: Blah, blah, blah, not-so-fair compromise...

Ranger: Hey, did you just call some of us "dense trustfall nitwits"?!

Wizard: No doubt which of the two you happen to be...

Knight: Blah, blah, blah, more story exposition...

Ranger: Oh no... you leave Druid out of this!

Druid: But... I am not a human, Ranger.

Ranger: Of course not! You're a human druid, Druid!

Rogue: CAT druid, Ranger.

Ranger: Wait, so... you're a multiclass druid-ranger, Druid?

Wizard: What on Moon are you-

Ranger: Who's also a cat?

Rogue: Well... at least you got SOME of it right...

Knight: Blah, blah, blah, blatant impatience...

The Knight points their sword back-and-forth from Monk to Lock.

Knight: Blah, blah, blah, busted and O.P. spell...

A bolt of dark energy fires from the sword at Lock.

Lock: Oh, cool effect!

Rogue: Why isn't he trying to avoid-

Just as the bolt reaches Lock, it suddenly flings left and punches into Monk's chest.

Monk: OOOOOOOH!

Rogue: Never mind... uh... I-I mean... WHAT THE *BLEEP*?!

Monk is surrounded by a bubble of dark energy.

Lock: Whoa, your DM must have a HUGE campaign budget!

Wizard: Are you absolutely certain that Lock is a straight one?

Knight: Blah, blah, blah, well DUH...

Druid: But... what have you done to Monk?

The bubble suddenly pops, revealing a brown monkey wearing Monk's gi.

Wizard: I believe your question is answered, Druid.

Ranger: Hey, yeah! Monk's been teleported away and replaced by a monk-

The monkey screeches and leaps at Ranger's head, pulling at his hair and ears.

Monkey: Ooo-ooo-HAH-HAH-HAH! (etc.)

Ranger: AAH! AAH! MONKEYONMYHEAD! MONKEYONMYHEAD!

Rogue: Aw, looks like you have a new friend, Ranger...

Ranger: Hey, yeah... I have an actual animal companion! After all these years, I'm FINALLY a real-

The monkey knocks Ranger's forehead with a coconut.

Ranger: Ow, my Ajna!

Knight: Blah, blah, blah, hasty retreat before you can do anything about it...

The Knight vanishes in a swirl of violet mist, a chilling horse whinny echoing in the air, followed by a glittery sparkle and harp chord.

Wizard: So... now what?

Bard's voice: Hey, come on, everyone! There's a Kakadurudurudu Fried Cockatrice over here, with 24-hour dine-in and unlimited refills!

Rogue: Ooh, sweet!

Wizard: You had me at, "unlimited refills", my pal...

Everyone leaves the water... except Lock, who stands there, eyes widened and stunned.

Lock: ...what the F**K?!

***
To be Corrected...

Scene 4: Behind Ranger's Eyelids: Relative Time

Wizard's voice: -ow long until the effect wears off?

Rouge's voice: Depends how long the bag was over his head.

Bard's voice: Why did you leave him there in that state in the first place?

Wizard's voice: Honestly, the prospect of a peaceful night of uninterrupted trance was too wonderful to discard.

Rouge's voice: As for me, I had no idea it slipped over his head as he fell back to the floor.

Druid's voice: But are you not the one who yelled, "Hey! Are you all seriously gonna just effing leave him there with that effing sack over his... oh, I'm too effing tired to argue..."

Rouge's voice: Okay, that isn't even CLOSE to what I f-

Monk's voice: Is he alive?

Wizard's voice: Do you see his chest slowly rising and falling?

Monk's voice: Uh... is this question gonna be on the test?

Rouge's voice: Monk, for the LAST time, it isn't THAT kind of test!

Lock's voice: Uh... why aren't we doing anything...?

Bard's voice: We can't do anything until the Author sets the rest of the scene, my good pal!

Arthur's voice: And I'm not setting the scene until Ranger responds to me!

Rouge's voice: So basically, unless he-

Druid's voice: ROGUE!

Rouge's voice: UNTIL he wakes up, we ain't goin' nowhere.

Arthur's voice: That's right... and for every hour I'm kept waiting, ALL of you (except Lock) will have NO dessert for ONE DAY!

Rouge's voice: WHAT?! But he's been unconscious for EIGHT HOURS already!

Wizard's voice: Well... I do not partake in human cuisine, so this bothers me very little.

Druid's voice: As for me, I prefer fresh fruit, so my sweet palate shall be satisfied.

Lock's voice: And I have intolerance to dairy, gluten and sugar, so I'm not really missing out on-

Rouge's voice: Oh, COME ON! Spare a thought for the REST of the party, you selfish F-

Bard's voice: Well... this is awkward...

The scene suddenly snaps back to The Lame Mending tavern, just as Ranger opens his eyes.

Ranger: ORC WOOD!

Ranger suddenly leaps to his feet and swings a wooden stein stamped with an angry cartoon face in every direction. Rogue begins to swat at a large fartfly buzzing around her left ear.

Ranger: At LAST, I can get revenge for my ENTIRE-

Wizard: Ranger, will you please-

Rogue: SHUT UP!

Ranger drops the stein, a wooden clatter ringing throughout the tavern as it grows silent. Rogue sighs as the fartfly buzzes away.

Rogue: Thank-

Ranger: WAAAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAA!

Ranger runs out of the tavern in tears. Everyone looks at Rogue.

Rogue: Uh-

Patron #1: Nice going, Brogue!

Rogue: I-

Patron #2: You really hurt that poor child's feelings...

Rogue: Well-

Rogue is suddenly squirted with purple ink.

Patron #3's voice: Learn to Turf War PROPERLY, loser!

Rogue: DARN IT, SQUIKA!

To be Continued...

Scene 5: I 'unno... a dirt road or some'in: Morning

You have all set off on your journey, and are now making tracks for Cab-

Lock: Hold on just a minute!

Wizard: Do not interrupt.

Oh, it's quite alright, Wizard...

Rogue: Wow, you're pretty lenient for a DM, Author.

Have you ever heard of the "fair DM"...?

Bard: I honestly thought they were a myth.

Oh, we exist... as a minority collective...

Ranger: Oh, so you're printed in holographic foil?

Wizard: What are you babbling about now?

Monk: And WHY are you squeezing the tip of my tail?! It's really, really RUDE, dude! REALLY rude... and also quite painful. Would you mind?

Ranger: Sorry. I was just doing what the party leader told me to do.

Druid: Whatever do you mean, Ranger?

Ranger: "Hold on just a minute!" That's what their orders.

Bard: Wow, that was a surprisingly good impression of my good pal Lock, my good pal Ranger!

Ranger: Aw, shucks... thanks, Birb.

Lock: Wait a minute... you think I'M the leader?!

Rogue: Well... ain't you?

Lock: Uh...

Druid: You DID fall from the veil above Oma, dressed in red.

Wizard: And I cannot be bothered to take command of this collective of twits and Druid.

Rogue: Wait... whatchoo call me, punk?!

Lock: But wh-why would you want ME to lead?!

Ranger: Duh! Because no-one usspects the WARLOCK to be the well-natured jerk who jerks us around!

Lock: Wait... THAT'S your logic?!

Rogue: Yep. Seems deece to me.

Lock: You... you got it all wrong! I'm not even a warlock! I'm just a random non-binary guy from the streets of Seattle! I've never even been to the Space Needle! AND I'm TERRIBLE at MTG!

Rogue: Look, dude... if you're not comfortable with riding a horse, we'll get you a different mount. How about a miniature pony? Or an ATV! You want an ATV?

Lock: Uh-

Rogue: Yo, Bard! How's our budget?

Bard: Uh... about two silver currency and the button from Ranger's cuddly toy.

Ranger tightly hugs a plush flumph.

Ranger: It's so warm... Flumphykins is so nice to hug!

Monk: Dude! Why didn't you squeeze THAT instead of MY TAIL?!

Ranger: Beca-

Ranger looks down at his flumph.

Ranger: Oooooooh, yeah...

Monk: Mmm... ooo-OOO-AAA-AAA-AAA- (etc.)

Ranger: AAH! AAH! Monkey on my head! Monkey on my head!

Lock: Look, can we PLEASE go back to my-

Ranger's voice: OW! My Ajna.

Rogue: We'll buy you a helmet at the next Baby Jacey's, 'kay?

Ranger's voice: Thank OW! Dang it, Monk! Some of it got in my left eye!

Monk's voice: Sorry...

Lock: WHY is no-one acknowledging the fact that Ranger ran out of the tavern crying when it seemed as though Rogue yelled at him to-

Rogue: -shut up?

Lock: Yes!

Rogue: Well, I can't be bothered to explain it all, so Bard's just gonna blurt it out.

Bard: He does it every time, my good pal!

Lock: And no-one TRIES to comfort him, not even Druid, who likes and cares about EVERYONE?!

Druid: Um... not "quite" everyone, Lachlan.

Wizard: Why would we comfort someone who is already in high spirits?

Lock: You call THAT "high spirits"?!

Rogue: Maybe not in YOUR twisted, upside-down, messed-well-screwey society, but in Realmslandia-

Bard: Perhaps I ought to provide a recount...

Lock: Yes. Please enlighten me.

Bard: Very well...

***
WHOOSH...

Ranger's voice: What?

Monk's voice: He said "whoosh"!

Ranger's voice: Oh...

Rogue: SHUT UP!

We hear a faint jingle in the background. Ranger drops his stein, and freezes as the sound gets louder.

Rogue: Uh-

Ranger: WAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAH!

Ranger races out of the tavern and begins pursuing a large pink and white van.

Ranger: HAHAHAHAHA! Ice-cream! ICE-CREEEEEAM! WHEEEEE!

***
WHOOSH...

Ranger: What'd he say...?

Rogue: Same as before!

Ranger: Oh...

Wizard: Honestly...

Lock: So THAT'S why you came back with chocolate smeared around your mouth...

Ranger: Yeah! That triple fudge fudgicle was SO good...

Lock: That's a relief... at LAST, we can proceed without any more surprises.

The party moans and complains at Lock's words.

Lock: What'd I say?

Rogue: You just jinxed us into nothing BUT surprises!

Monk: Way to GROW, Brocc! Heh, good one, Monk...

Rogue: So you need to-

Rogue is squirted with more purple ink.

Squika's voice: Nice going with the jinxes, Squidiot!

Rogue: DARN IT, SQUIKA!

Lock: Oh, come on! Who could have POSSIBLY told-

Bard clears his throat sternly.

Lock: That's fair. But... I mean... what are the CHANCES of-

Suddenly, a figure in a brown robe with a long, fluffy white beard and bulbous nose suddenly appears before the party.

Figure: MACGUFFINS!

Rogue slowly looks in Lock's direction.

Rogue: You just HAD to ask, didn't you, Locky...?

Wizard: Sacre bleu...

Lock: Heheh...

To be Continued...

Scene 6: A different dirt road: Afternoon

We see Ranger wearing his new helmet.

Ranger: Thanks for my new helmet!

Bard: KRAAAAAAAW!

Lock: Wow, I can't believe what that strange wizard did.

Ranger suddenly switches to Bard's voice.

Ranger: Hey! Don't be mean to Wizard!

Wizard facepalms.

Wizard: He was talking about the young human male dressed in a potato sack robe...

Ranger switches back to his normal voice.

Ranger: Oh, the one who charged us with finding the Soiled MacGuffin?

Bard: KRAAAAAAAW!

Ranger: Yeah, JUST like in the title!

Rogue: Is he still able to understand Bird Brain?

Wizard: There is a VAST difference between hearing speech and understanding it, "Rouge"...

Rogue: Heheheh! Nice one, Wiz!

Ranger switches to Bard's voice.

Ranger: I can talk to the Bardies!

Monk: Ooh, nice one, bud!

Ranger switches to his normal voice.

Ranger: Aw, shucks... thanks, Monk!

Monk: Okay, time to go swing through those trees over there!

Monk leaps into a nearby forest.

Wizard: Why does he insist on reinforcing that ridiculous stereotype...?

Druid: I am somewhat concerned about the elder transferring Bard's voice into Ranger's soul.

Bard: KRAAAAAAAW!

Ranger: Birb, that's a *switch* RUUUUUUUDE *switch* word, hahaha!

Druid: If we had simply agreed to investigate the Palace Shrine of the Earth MacGuffin Temple-

Rogue: No WAY we're skipping the "we actually get PAID a bunch of gold currency for doing it" sidequest in Cabbage Frat Hills!

Monk's voice: DID SOMEONE JUST SAY WE'RE HAVING CABBAGE SURPRISE FOR LUNCH?!

Wizard: Ugh... could someone PLEASE cast silence on that monkey?

Rogue: Yeah! Wizard did it!

Wizard: Why you...

Monk's voice: OOH! YUMMY! I'M GONNA FART SOOOOOOO HARD...

Ranger: Why wait 'til then? Hmm...

Ranger makes a big fart. He then switches to Bard's voice.

Ranger: Ah... would anyone else care for some cabbage surprise?

Wizard: Why you...

Monk's voice: SURE, I'LL TAKE SOME!

Ranger switches to his normal voice.

Ranger: You got it!

Ranger makes an even bigger fart.

Ranger: Care for some more?

Wizard: Do it one... more... time. I DARE you.

Ranger switches to Bard's voice.

Ranger: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

We hear a third fart sound. Ranger switches to his normal voice.

Ranger: How wazzat?

Wizard: Oh, I'll TELL you how zat waz...

The scene suddenly cuts to black as the sound of a lightning bolt is heard.

Bard's voice: OOOOOOO-HOO-HOO-HOOOOOOO!

Scene 7: Cabbage Frat Outskirts: Evening

The scene cuts to a different area. Ranger's armour is covered with scorch marks.

Rogue: Well... at least you don't have Bard's voice anymore.

Bard: KRAAAAAAAW!

Lock speaks with Bard's voice.

Lock: Yes, but now I'M stuck with it! And my REAL voice is gone!

Rogue: Eh, I'm sure it'll turn up sooner or later...

Bard: KRAAAAAAAW!

Ranger: Aw, I can't understand Birb anymore...

Druid: Then it appears Lock must have gained this ability.

Bard: KRAAAAAAAW!

Rogue: Ooh, what'd he say, Locky?

Lock: I don't know! All I hear is "KRAAAAAAAW!"

Wizard: Wow, that was a surprisingly good impression of Bard without his voice, Lachlan...

Lock: Uh... thank you, Wizard!

Monk lands on Ranger's head.

Monk: Yeek! What happened ta YOU?!

Ranger: I don't wanna talk about it...

Monk: Fair enough. Hey, what's that sign say over there...?

Wizard: It is nothing...

Monk: "CABBAGE FRAT HILLS"... hey, weren't you gonna give me some cabbage surprise? Ooh, is THAT the surprise?!

Ranger shakes his head.

Ranger: Oh, cr-

Monk starts writhing around and yelling without letting go.

Monk: OO-OOO-HOO-HAA-HAA-HAA-HAA-HAA [etc.]

Wizard: You bring this on yourself, you realise...?

Ranger: I said I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT IT!

Monk accidentally whacks the humanoid's helmet with his fist.

Ranger: YEOW! THAT... didn't hurt my Ajna...

Monk: Sorry. So... how long till we get to Cabbage Frat Hills?

Ranger lets out a loud, slightly gurgled sigh.

Ranger: Sacre bleu...

Bard: KRAAAAAAAW!

To be Continued...

Scene 8: Another Apology for Mel

Ranger: Uh... so... we just finished filming this webisode, but... Wizard wanted me to tell you that Monk used the film reel to go fishing... for farts... between his butt cheeks... so here's a slightly redubbed version of a thing I found while rummaging through Birb's secret stash of content from a universe in which things are based on things like logic and Fourth Wall idealism. Enjoy!

Scene 9: Akanius City: Late Morning

The party, all wearing breathers, enters the airlock at the entrance to a huge domed city. The doorway seals behind them as they walk over to the gate.

Monk: …and that’s how I created the rainbow fart spell.

Lock: How did a conversation about soup turn into that?!

Monk: Ah, it’s just one of the mysteries of our time, Lock. Like, how do I know you’re human under that thing?

Lock: Under my breather?

Monk: No, your… yeah, let's go with that.

Ranger: I’ve seen Alph’s face, Furbendink. Rest assured that he is definitely male.

Rouge: And soooooooo cute!

Lock looks over at Rouge, who starts panicking.

Rouge: I mean… I would assume you’re at least moderately attractive.

Rouge fantasises about how irresistibly handsome Lock must be. Her fantasy is broken by a single alarm sound.

Voice: Airlock purified. You may now enter.

Rouge and Monk remove their breathers and clip them to their belts. The gates swing open, leaving everybody except Ranger standing in awe.

Monk: It’s magnificent!

Rouge: Incredible…

Wizard: It’s so… Orcish…

Ranger scowls at Wizard.

Ranger: What does that supposed to meaning?!

Wizard: N-Nothing, I swear!

Ranger: You better not be mocking my people, Wizard!

Wizard: No, no! I’m on a journey to see the world, and I love learning about new cultures! Especially YOURS, Ranger! You're the BEST!

Ranger: Well, you don’t USUALLY condescend me… okay, I believe you.

Monk: Wow, Wizard. That’s the first time he ever said he believes you!

Ranger: Hey! Are you calling me a DUB?

Monk: Yes...?

Ranger: Oh... okay then!

The party begins entering the city.

Lock: Of all the places we’ve been, this is by far the best one yet. I hope the people here are friendly.

Birb's voice: STOP RIGHT THERE!

The party freezes as two am-uh-nimal guards, a birdy and a kitty, walk up to the party.

Birb: And what do we have here?

Monk: Oh, just the tightest-knit group of travelling friends in Realmslandia, that’s what!

Ranger wraps his right arm around Wizard's right shoulder and pulls her next to him. Both heroisms pull large, cheesy grins.

Druid: An awesomely amazing red ranger who’s friends with a repulsive sorceress with big, pointy head-things? Hm… seems suspicious to me.

Ranger: Oh, we really are-

Wizard: -good friends!

Ranger: Yeah, see? We even finish each other’s-

Wizard: -steak cordon bleu!

Ranger glares at Wizard, though both car wreckers still grin.

Druid: Well, okay then. It’s nice to see an Autobutt and a Deceptimal getting along so well. Go on thr-

Birb: KRAAAAAW!

The party members tense up again.

Birb: This gadget-y thing-a-ma-bob of mine is picking up an unusually high concentration of sneaky-attackish activity.

Rouge: Oh, that’s me. I’m a waist-deep elfling.

Birb: A waist-deep whatling?

Rouge: I can steal your things before your very eyes. Watch this... SNEAK ATTAAAAACK!

Rouge focuses on Birb's clipboard. The pen unclips from it and floats through the air, enveloped in blue energy, before landing in Druid's hand. The energy dissipates.

Birb: Wow, that was incredible!

Rouge: No it isn't, I messed it up. It's supposed to go into MY hand!

Birb: Okay, I’m convinced! You folks enjoy your sta-

Druid: Just a second!

The party is fed up and groans this time.

Ranger: What now, officers?

Druid: Why is that human doorlock still wearing their breather?

Lock: Seriously?! I’m NOT a warlock!

Druid: My apologies, doorlock. Why is this “NOT a warlock” still wearing their breather?

Ranger: Oh, they have breathing difficulties, so they need to wear it almost all the time.

Druid: Oh?

Lock: I can take it off for short amounts of time to eat and drink stuff not made by fairies and glue elementals, but most of the time-

Druid: Okay, I’ve heard enough. I’m going to have to ask you all to come with us to the stationery shop so we can examine your lost property.

Monk: WHAT?! But…I wanted to explore the city!

Birb: All suspicious individuals must be assessed before we allow them into the city proper.

Monk: This is an outrage! I demand to see a lawyer!

Lock: No, it’s fine. I’ll be happy to go with you, officers.

Birb: You’re actually cooperating with us?!

Druid: If they're cooperating, then they clearly aren't a perfect traitor. Okay, you’re free to go.

Wizard: You must be FATEBENDING... it is a grid that only my people can process.

Druid: I am haz kat. Meow.

The party sighs, then starts walking. Birb stops them.

Birb: KRAAAAAW, my good pals!

Monk appears furious.

Birb: We’re sorry for holding you up. It’s just that we’re hosting the Realmslandian Tournament this year and, well… we need to be on the lookout for spies from other flatulence. Here.

Birb hands a flyer to Ranger.

Ranger: What’s this?

Birb: Tickets to the deepest, darkest part of the Orcwood Forests for-

Scene 10: The Fart Escape Tavern: Night

Ranger's eyes suddenly snap open.

Ranger: ORCWOOOOOD!

Ranger suddenly leaps to his feet and waves his fist around in a frenzy. We see Rogue holding a brown sack with a question mark on the front.

Wizard: Why did you take that thing off his head...?

Rogue: Because NO amount of silence is worth missing out on ANY more desserts!

Lock: HEAR, HERE!

Wizard: Do you not have multiple food allergies?

Lock: Yes, but I assume Bard must enjoy desserts...

Bard: KRAAAAAW! KRAAAAAW! (etc.)

Monk: Ooh-ooh-OOH-AAH-AAH-AAH- (etc.)

Ranger: GRR! GRR! GRR! GRR! GRR! (etc.)

Wizard sighs.

Wizard: Sacre bleu...

To be Continued...